I am in the front yard, working at the corner of the house. My son is playing by the front walk, when suddenly he runs for the road. As he is ten feet from the road, and I am at least thirty feet from him, I am quite sure that he will run in front of the pick up truck before I can physically stop him. So, I yell. STOP!
Yelling is what we do when we have run out of options.
It is really that simple. Most of our relationship is spent talking, teaching, showing, hugging and being civil to each other. With him, I find a lot of patience. When I have the time, we use that time to learn lessons that will last a lifetime. Except, when there is no way I can stop him from running into the road I use the one thing I have left: I yell. And he stops.
For many teachers, this is the moment they yell. In their minds they have made the rules clear, allowed this student to get a drink of water or that one to go to their locker. A third of the class is not reaching their potential, and a spate of dry ink cartridges has prevented seven essays from making it in by the due date. Then, someone complains that class is boring. They want to go outside. The worst part of it all is that they are only expressing these thoughts out loud because they trust you enough–you have built a relationship and responded to their fair minded criticism–but today someone would not understand that their language offends you, and you are a part of the class and community, too. So, you blow it. You are out of options.
IF YOUR WATCH ALARM GOES OFF ONE MORE TIME! you scream at the child who is running towards the busy street of life and is too distant for you to reach. Or, perhaps, you meant it for him or her, but instead screamed at the unlucky child who put that last straw on your back eight straws after that kid you felt really deserved the warning. In the end, your tricks all played, yelling was your only option.
Now, with my son, I could have been preventive. At all times I could have been closer to him than he was to the road. When our older son was two, we laid down a low stone wall. In part, it was decoration, but it was also meant to slow him down a step so that we could catch him before he got to the street. We do have a nice backyard for him to play in. Life, though, is fraught with danger. Even had we done it all, another life threatening situation would probably have reared its head.
Prevention is important, which leads to the second reason we yell: to make a point that sticks.
YOU NEVER GO NEAR THE ROAD!
This was not a patient response that treated my son as a partner, but a directive I did not want my child to forget. This was a non-negotiable rule, and the next time he even thought of doing it I wanted him to wonder if the wrath of my entire six feet-four was worth it. Perhaps it is the bullying of a child, but if it keeps him from running into the road I weight the ends over the means.
Thus begins the slippery slope. Even as I try and undo the scare with hugs and a rational discourse about the dangers of traffic and dashing towards it, I know that my child is afraid of me. While the ends are justified, I wonder if there is another way.
YOU SIT IN THIS CLASS LIKE YOU DON’T CARE, BUT YOU AND I KNOW THAT IF YOU KEEP GOING DOWN THIS PATH YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET JACK FROM THIS LIFE! ARE YOU READY FOR THE WORST JOB IN THE WORLD?! This is a toned down version of what I have said. I can go longer, into much more personal detail, asking rhetorical questions that make the point: Stop screwing up. Nearly every child I have said these things too has agreed that it was justified, even as they did not like to hear it. Still, I know that they were afraid of me. They have said as much. And they already knew it. They knew, before I uttered a word, that what they were doing was wrong.
In the end, the bottom of the slope is filled with laziness. My younger son is kicking my older son, and while the latter uses his words and is the good big brother it does not stop. STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER! I yell from the other room. It is easier than getting up. When my older son was four, I realized that much of my discipline was yelling from across the room because stopping the behavior and talking it through was too much work. As he threw blocks, jumped on the couch, or sang at the top of his lungs a yell stopped the behavior.
At first. Then, it became noise. Unlike the road, which worked because of pure novelty and shock of the situation, the ten yelling corrections a day wore off. Instead, he started pushing buttons. And yelling. Now, he yells down the stairs and from other rooms. We realized, quickly, that we need to get up and correct behavior, and it worked, but the yelling is still with us three years later.
My classrom has not become one of the classrooms that are famous for yelling. In our high school, one teacher used to stop teaching when the teacher in the neighboring classrooms began his rants. Knowing that no one was listening to him, he would stop mid-sentence, sit at his desk, and read the New York Times until it calmed down. Then, the lesson woudl resume. Having been in that class next door, on the receiving end of the yell, it amazes me that he could have a job. In fact, he was head of the department, a coach of football and track, and well respected in our community. Ah, the old days.
Each year I have learned to hold it together a little bit more. Planning has been very important. When I have systems in place, and am able to stop my proclivity towards co-dependence (my thought that, this time, they’ll listen), I maintain order because I have options. Three years ago I took a Responsive Design course, which gave me many more strategies for the good of students and my sanity. I have, in many ways, the low stone wall in place. And, at the end of the day, running into the street (in an academic sense) can be a tough love learning experience, as long as you are ready to scrape them off the tar and start fresh the next day.
Know where your yell comes from. If it is laziness, get some systems, get off your behind, or get a new job. On the other hand, if you feel you are out of options you need to take a breath. Then, before you correct or even plan your next lesson, imagine every senerio and what you will do in response. Be happy with that response. The next day, play it out calmly. If you do it right, you are in charge. The child will not make it out of the yard on your watch.